leah’s heart…

have u watched a movie recently?

i just did last monday..it’s called “yes man!” and, it has left me things to ponder on..like what? like, when do we really say “yes!” and “no!”

probably, most have seen the movie already..did it tickle ur mind somehow? did it make sense? it was somewhat like same old movies-bein’ bored w/ur work & life in general, missin’ out time with friends and family ‘coz of ur busy sked, goin’ through the dilemma of divorce, & meeting a new romance in an unexpected time and eventually end up together..but what makes this movie of my interest?

read on..

it’s not just the funny side of it but more of the wisdom it has brought in me..saying “yes” means, u mean it..not just trying to please anybody or making a good impression out of it..there’s a great responsibility behind the word..

but, it’s not absolute ‘though..it can be a blessing in disguise..

like, u’d say “yes” just not to hurt someone or just to please but it turns out to be a good “yes!” it has resulted into something positive..

i wanna share something..both my cazin and aunt convinced me to join my cazin’s friends in going out..i declined from the invitation..but just not to make a fuss out of it, i said, “ok..”..i didn’t really want to ‘coz i’m kind of shy..(i’m really at my age of supposedly having the confidence  of going out with new guys and gals but, i really still feel shy..funny! but it’s true..) and aside from being the oldest, i might just be killing the fun with these young guys and gals..i don’t want to be the cause of possible boredom and i don’t actually know them that much..but, the fact that they’re my cazin and tita’s good friends here in Australia, i know their names..sherwin, desiree, rose-anne, and three more nice persons..(sorry, i didn’t get the chance to know their names..) rose-anne prefers to be called anne or anne-anne..how do i know it? it’s simple! we just clicked! sherwin loves smiling..we only have our his and hellos and a small talk but he never fails to smile..anne-anne is a soft-spoken gal who also dreams of sam milby and loves eating! hehe! and, desiree is also going crazy over koreanovelas and korean celebrities..they made me feel comfortable..these guys are really nice!

what more can i ask for? they’re like replica’s of me..but, only on the crazy and noisy  side of me..kkk..

maybe it’s too early to say but, i’d still say it..my vacation will be much more remembered ‘coz of them..

see? my “yes” turned out to be well and good..before, my “yes” to my aunt and my cazin was not actually meant but just to give in to what they’ve asked for..but, in the end, i enjoyed being with them..

i’ve been existing for almost three decades..(do the math pals! hehe!) and with this span of time, i’ve had uncountable “yes’s” and will still be counting..everybody does..

while i was watching the movie, a question popped up..-what really made me say yes to everything i had answered “yes?” was it because i meant it or was it just for the other party’s satisfaction and convenience..hhmmm..

we’re not just talking of the “yes” here..being human also means having the right to say “no!,” right?

come to think of it, learning to say “no” would also mean being honest to yourself and admitting that u cannot do everything..or not having the intentions of just pleasing anybody..

in a wedding, people expect the bride to say “yes.” but, there are instances when the bride says, “no!” then, you hear murmurs around, see those questioning eyes, and tears from the bride saying, “i’m sorry.”

my point? the “yes or no” answer is not a glued thing..it’s not about answering because it’s what’s expected or it’s the standard..

life is a game of “yes or no”..it’s a battle between both answers..u’d say “yes” u can either have a good or a bad result..same with saying “no.” making heads or tails on how should we answer “yes or no” questions thrown to us will neither be as easy as pie nor a cinch..it takes a lot of courage and mind work..

i think, we can make it a lot easier if we always have good intentions in choosing the “yes” or the “no” answer..

i’ve said “yes” a lot of times, had regrets in the end, and learned from it..i’ve hurt people when i said “yes” by making a promise but i wasn’t able to keep..i’ve said yes ‘coz i’ve meant it..but sometimes, circumstances happen..it’s out of our control..so we end up failing to keep the “yes” we’ve uttered..

the “no” answer? same as saying yes..i’ve said “no” then had regrets after it..i have the “should have” and “what if” in mind..

or sometimes it’s the opposite..

so, whether we say “yes or no” it boils down to one thing, we just have to be responsible with our answers..

it’s a make or break decision..

if it turns out to be against what we’ve expected, there will always be a second, a third, and a lot of chances..we can never run out of a “yes” or a “no” answer..

did i really say yes? yes…no…can i ask my lawyer please…hahaha!

last week, i only did one thing..i stayed in my room with a roll of tissue paper..oh more than a roll of tissue paper rather…

yup! while everybody’s going gaga over food, clothes, shoes, nice spots, and gorgeous faces, i was forced to enjoy the four corners of my bedroom (actually, it looks more of a dungeon than a bedroom..) kkk..paracetamol and a ‘dunno” antibiotic took turns in comforting me..hahaha! i was trapped in the verge of the thing we call, “fever.” oh, and not to forget, a soaring thunder sound of “cough!”

i feel sorry not for myself but for the persons i couldn’t meet, for the appointments i had to cancel, and for the special occassions i wasn’t able to attend…

i’m really sorry to a friend..

why? it was her wedding day last 20th of december and at the same time her birthday..but, i wasn’t able to keep my promise on that special day..i wanted to see her on her wedding gown with her husband to be but, i couldn’t. i’m really sorry..i know that sorry is not enough and it cannot suffice my absence on that special day of her life..but for now, it’s the only word i can think of..i hope that someday, i can make it up to her…i know she enjoyed that day..but too bad, i wasn’t there to see for myself…

i sent a message of well wishes..i hope it reached her…

then, i only got to spend dinner at my grandma’s house at around 9:30 in the evening..i had my slice of cake, spaghetti, lumpia, etc…it’s from my cousin’s birthday party too..

again, i wasn’t around during the party…

where was i?

i was in the university..i had three examinations on that day..it started at 8:30and it finished at around 9 in the evening…my friend and i were both running a fever while we were taking our last exam. thank god, we survived..

i didn’t have any choice..

i wanted to ask for a re-scheduled exam but it was our final exams..i have to do it on that day..and, as a student, responsibility as one comes first…sometimes..kkk! but in that situation, it’s a must to take my exams..again, thank god i survived..

the next day, i had to cancel an appointment ‘coz my body couldn’t keep up with it..kkk..well, i know that my body size is heavier than the normal (hahahaha)..but, my bad health condition aggravated that fact..hehehe!

everyday, we try to do our regular errands..we wake up in the morning, eat, take a shower then we go to work..or, some go to school..i’ve been doing both for the past 7 months? after work, i go to school..my first sem was thrice a week schedule..this recent sem’s schedule which ended last dec 24, was only on fridays and saturdays..but, paper works were everywhere…migraine and sleepless nights were my enemies for months and months…too bad, i never lost weight..hahaha! my dark circles around my eyes and complains on migraine were the only clear indications that i was indeed showered with sleepless nights..kkk..

i thought, the scene is really romantic at the crack of dawn..but unfortunately, the beauty of dawn was a proof that, i haven’t slept for a night..the beauty of nature was out of my sight…hehehe!

we all have our duties to do..but sometimes, much as we want to religiously do all of these obligations, we’re but human..we get tired..we complain..

in a day, unexpected things happen..we maybe feeling well at this time but who knows how would we feel after few seconds, few minutes, or few days..much as we want to do everything, we can’t..the least we can do is to feel regretful and to hope that next time, things will be better..

i could not have done the things i’ve planned because, unfortunately, i got sick..but it’s still a blessing in disguise..why? come to think of it, it was my fault..i’ve pushed myself too much..i’ve went beyond what i can normally do in a day..

my mom usually says, “have some time to rest.” i always answer her, “i can’t do it for now mama. i have to do this now.” sometimes, cramming is my game..i rush on things to meet the deadline..as a result, i end up making nights into days just to keep up with all the requirements..the worst part of it? i get sick…

as the new year approaches, i hope to be a changed person..i need to make a list for the new year..hahaha! i’d definitely include “quitting from the cramming game” as one..

don’t get sick pals..

you may have things to do, just take it slowly..

after all, life is too short to be wasted inside your bedroom while you cough and tremble ‘coz of fever..

’till next time pals…

it’s so funny that whenever i get the chance to write on my blog..i always have the same thing in mind..the sadness within for losing my dad…

it’s been three years since i had that saddest part of my life…also, my family’s life..the 4th of October started the moment of waking up in the morning without my dad around..playing cards were just placed in a “dunno” place in the house…no cigarette smoke to irritate my nose..hahaha! and nobody’s there to call me, “balasang ko.”

it has been three years of yearning…everyday was just like a wind passing by..we don’t see it but i feel it hard in my heart…

i’ve watched many real-life stories about losing a love one…i’ve read stories of families who share the same fate…but, never did it occur to me that, i would be one of them…now, i feel more for them..i feel more for myself and for my family..it was not just a medical outreach that after a week i see daddy back at home..it was not just a graveyard shift that i only see my dad lying in bed in the morning after a night shift from work…it’s a lifetime longing..

almost a year ago, i’ve dreamt of daddy..i wrote that in my diary…the last part of that dream is still vivid in my mind..i was asking my dad to go home while tears kept falling from my eyes..then he just uttered, “i can’t!” it felt so real..i woke up only to realize that it was just a dream..i cried so hard..my pillow got wet from my weeping..i blankly set my eyes on the ceiling..i can’t stop crying..i was gasping for my breath..i thought, i’ve spent all my tears for my dad but i was wrong…i can never stop crying for my dad…that was one of the longest cries i’ve had since my dad left…

i’ve made promises to myself like, i won’t cry anymore because my dad wouldn’t be happy to see me cry…i won’t think of the sad memory anymore..but, i never kept that promise..i always did cry for him..i always remember him…memories still linger…

the question on, “how much i miss my dad,” is not an easy one to answer..not as easy as pie nor a cinch..it’s an unbearable one…

a friend of mine also lost her father..i know how she feels..she also knows how i feel..sometimes, we text each other and we talk about our dads…it’s our way of remembering our dads in our humblest way..funny thing though, we suddenly stop sending text for a while..after that, one says, “i cried.” it’s inevitable…now, much as i can, i avoid watching shows with families involved…i’m now anti-drama..hahaha! i used to watch real-life stories..now, i’d rather lock myself in my room and listen to music…and, hhhmmm..do some errands…”mababaw ang luha ko,” as what they say in Tagalog..yup, i easily cry..

crying will always be my scapegoat…

i feel serene whenever i cry my heart out…

i miss my dad…

i know he misses us too…

stories:

share ko naman ang mga katatawanan o ka-kornihan sa mga nagdaang araw ng aking buhay..mga isa hanggang dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan..oopppsss, mga buwan lang pala…hehehehe..

scenario 1:

weeks ago, i was walking along session road with three friends when i suddenly noticed that i was kissing the sidewalk..hahahaha! i stumbled! as in, nadapa ang lola niyo sa kahabaan ng session road..patawid na kami eh, umeksena ang kalampaan me! hay!

well, at least i was able to make my friends happy..why? they laughed their hearts out! di na nila naalalang alalayan ang kanilang kaibigan..hehehe! tumawa na lang sila! then bigla silang nakaalala na, dapat ‘wag muna ang tawa di ba! pero, segundo lang..tumawa ulit sila! hehehehe! pasa at galos ang remembrance ng lola niyo..

scenario 2:

dinner sa don henrico’s..we were about to finish our pizza with chicken meal when suddenly, a friend said, “i’m not wearing an underwear.” wahahaahahah! ang cute di ba!? lalake ito mga kapatid at mga kakosa..hahahaha! mabuti kamo at di lumabas ang nginunguya ko..

he was so innocent with that statement..we didn’t see any sign of embarrassment from him..he was just smiling and laughing with us..his reason? he forgot and didn’t notice that all his underwears were in the laundry service..hahahaha! lumabas ng walang salawal..hehehe!

well, sinabi na lang namin na, bumili siya ng mga animated na briefs..hahahaha! maybe he’s comfortably wearing his underwears now..hehehehe!

scenario 3:

nahulog naman ako sa hagdan..tumbling ang lola niyo na mega hilo at ‘yan ay dahil sa puyat at kawalan ng laman ng tiyan..kaya, never go to bed too tired and starved..lumamon lang mga pare..

lesson?

things really happen whether we like it or not..matapos nating iyakan dahil sa kahihiyan o dahil sa nasaktan us in a way e, tumawa na lang di ba?

(guys..this must be really late..i forgot to post this..well, better late than never aiyt!? hehehe..)

here’s a continuation of my political sentiments..hehehe..

i stated in the first part that, i partly agreed with Erap’s loyalist that, the government has focused their attention to only one person, to only one family..why? because, among the good actors who graced the news for six years, it’s only Erap who got the award of "guilty." hmmm.. "best in plunder?" how about the others? i’m waiting for such developments for their career..as a political culprit too?

then, here comes the new ZTE broadband scandal..a younger JDV pointing at FG Arroyo again! and Comelec Commissioner again as two people who in a way conspired to ask him to let go of his company’s plan to have the controversial broadband deal..as expected, denials were all around..denial kings conquered the scenario!

all angles are being investigated by the Senate "in aide of legislation." oh common!’ hehehe! we’ve been into this kind of scandals before..and, the ending is always the same..it’s either the investigating officials shut their mouth or even eat their hearts out in order to come up with a valid result and play innocent about it..even if we say that it’s really beyond the obvious, we cannot do anything..who are we to meddle in whatever results their investigation may have..we are just private citizens manipulated to say "yes!" hey, wait..citizens like "transformers." nice movie ‘though.

for the past 7 years, i was able to get my share of do’s and dont’s in politics..fortunate enough to see the picture of clean and dirty politics..hehehe! hmm..a blurry picture if i may say..so if i ask myself now, i think i know how politics run..you win, you lose..you win, you win again..you lose, you lose again..same fate my pals! the ones in power are always in power and the unfortunate stays unfortunate…paupers stay as paupers..too bad!

i was not into watching news reports for the past days so, i don’t know where this "ZTE broadband deal" ends..has it ended? or, will it end?

bye…

let’s talk about politics..hehehe! this is just an opinion of your’s truly..hehehehe..i have things to say about "Erap’s" fate..and, i found this blog as an escape for it..

"it’s a very good verdict..that’s a good signal to everybody in public office that the sandiganbayan and the ombudsman are not joking..they are ready to prosecute plunder cases, corruption and sandiganbayan’s ready to decide against a culprit public official..this a is good warning.."

this is a statement from one of Malacanang’s top official..i read this from a national broadsheet, the next morning after the "guilty" decision against the former president Joseph "Erap" Estrada re the plunder case talked about in every page of a newspaper and every news report on TV for six years..the first thing that came in my mind after reading it, was this famous line, "look who’s talking." i don’t know if i’m a pro-Erap and anti-admin gal..or, the other way around..all i know is that, the said statement strucked me…it blew up my head! who are they to condemn their co-law offenders? hey! be realistic! who is he talking to when he mentioned about the culprit officials? it was like listening to an angel or a devil clad in a nice suit..

for six years, not only "Erap" graced the headlines but also the names like Mr. Agriculture "Joc-joc Bolante," "Hello Garci," and "FG Arroyo" et al..all stories cited alledged irregularities, anomalies who accordingly was done by these names..thanks to their "fate" they’re still free as a bird..every now and then, these issues come out in the open but at the end of the day it still manages to die down..the "Erap" case? it’s the other way around..it never slowed down..it was always on the rush! beating the time. leading over other issues..hehehehe!

one of the lawyers of the former president was also quoted saying "they only focused their eyes to one person and to one family.." listening to it, i partly agreed..

to be continued…

i wrote this blog for a friend…

i hope my friend can spare a moment of her time to read this missive for her…she’s on the stage of feeling emotionally down ‘coz of the thing called "love."

again? hay! yeah right…

hmmmm…it’s all about falling in love.."right love at the wrong time?" or "wrong love at the wrong time?" or, "falling in love at the wrong time and at the wrong person?" i don’t know really…

my friend,

i know that it’s a tough decision for you to put yourself into this kind of situation..falling in love with someone whom you cannot really call yours and whom you cannot be with ‘coz of million reasons..

but, as they say, you cannot choose the person to whom you would really fall with..’coz if we can, tears, loneliness, and despair would be useless..we don’t need these words in the dictionary..simply because it’s in loving that we all feel these kinds of emotions..rolled into one..duh!

we had a short talk and you said that, you know what you’re into and you know your place in him…but it’s easier said than done my dear…even if we say to ourselves that, we wont get hurt ‘coz we’re prepared for the consequence it may bring, but if we’re caught in the middle of reality, the pain sinks in…and the most painful part of it is that, you cannot question that person..why? because the commitment that you both have is just a plain "yes, i feel the same way." it’s not enough reason to hold on to..

"stupidity is next to falling in love." i uttered these words when we were talking..and i still remember that we both laughed on it..hahahahaha! malutong na tawa! buti nga di tayo kinatok ng mga kalapit natin e…hehehehe! sa lakas kaya ng boses natin e, alang nakarinig sa chenez to the max na usapan natin? hahaha! yup! being stupid is next to falling in love…even if the mind tells us that, we should not do it, our heart says "try it." take chances and you might as well be lucky to feel the joy that this feeling brings..but, taking chances with matters of the heart is always a complicated thing..we can never have a perfect smile. there will always be a time of pouting, crying and regrets..we learn from it ‘though..

days from now, you will be left hanging…but i know that with the short span of time of being together, you’ve had happiness in your heart..just keep it as a good memory my dear…don’t blame yourself for taking the risk of loving him..it’s just a matter of holding on and letting go of the feeling..you decided to hold on to it and so, take hold of it as long you can..don’t loosen your grip..but, don’t expect too much..prepare yourself for the worst scenario..things change and it excuses no one..

"it’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all." as they say…i guess, you can have this thought in your mind..be thankful that, you we’re able to let the world to know how you feel..

whenever you feel so blue (or black..hehehehe!) your friends are just around to paste a smile in your face..if truth comes straight into your face and that person you care for finally says, "goodbye!" just smile and tell yourself, "thank you for the good times..maybe, we’re not really meant to be together forever..but i know in my heart that, we will both remember that once in our lives, we met each other."

hey! hug him tight…tell him how thankful you are for being around and for sharing you his comfort even if it’s only for a moment..

i guess, it’s not a question of falling in love for the right time or for the wrong time…not with the right person or with the wrong person..it’s a question of  accepting the reality that, we  always lose  someone or something no matter how hard we try to keep them..we can never control nor stop the time from changing..it’s the game of losing..

cry it out…

it will help…

then, smile…

finally, open your heart again…you deserve another chance…

always,

your friend

p.s….

to my friends out there who can relate to this, "loving and losing someone.." i hope i was able to make you smile even for a second and helped you tell yourself that, "i’m happy that i fell in love despite everything.."

same….

Sing me a song again, Daddy
Sing me a happy verse.
Teach me those clever lines you sang
As you carried me on your shoulders.
Sing me that hymn that you so loudly
Sang in church with mom.
Sing it again to me and fill me
With all your words of wisdom.

whew!
what a topic to talk about..what will i be talking about anyway..it’s my new haircut…when you tell someone about your haircut, what do they care?

others may say…
so?
pagan-anuk ngay?
paki ko?
buhay pa ba ang nanggupit ’syo?
ikakayaman ba natin ang bago mong gupit?

well, actually guys and gals..ala kasi ako masulat kaya itong gupit ko na lang ang pagdidiskitahan ko ha..pagtyagaan niyo na muna…e, medyo feel ng mga daliri ng lola niyo na magtipa ng keyboard ng computer kaya, eto mega kunwari e, sulat me ng ka-eng-engan sa blog…

if you’re fond of reading blogs from your friends blogs, and that includes me..i had this blog about "wawang hair." it talked about my reasons of having haircut..

now? i only have this simple reason..that is, i cannot stand it anymore..huh! big deal? not really…it’s just that, every morning, after having my regular routine such as taking a bath, brushing my teeth, preparing for work, it takes me a lot of energy thinking how to fix my hair…and, how to get rid of falling hair…hehehehe! yup! i’m having problems with falling hair…

i have problems (again?) of getting up early so, i rush on everything in the morning and that includes tidying up my room before leaving for work…one of my greatest mess? (hehehehe!)  hair all over my bed and floor! oh wait, also with the comb..i guess, girls, ladies have this kind of prob with their hair too..

i hope you do agree with me…’coz if not, i need to go to the doctor and, ask them what’s wrong with my sculp…hehehehe! i’ve tried using pantene hair fall control (plugging!) but unfortunately, can’t see the good effect of it…hehehe! so the best remedy? to have a haircut…that’s it!

sometimes, even if we wanted to stick to one thing ‘coz of reasons like, we grew up with it, or we’re used to it, we still end up changing the things we’re used to having…then, we start getting used to these new things again…

maybe, we can just forget about the irritations or hassles that these things may bring but, at the end of the day, i guess we have the choice to feel more comfortable with the new choices that we may have…

take the risk…
you may not look better than before with your new haircut..or, you may look like a celebrity with it..(hehehehe!)…whatever outcome we may have..the best thing is, we faced the challenge of changing what we’re used to look like…or in life, we were able to make a choice and that is, taking the step to take a risk…

that’s what total eclipse of the HAIR is all about….hahahahaha!
’till next time guys and gals….

hahahahaha!

maybe, you’re all wondering why i started this blog with a laughter…

hmmmm…just because, i will be talking of something that never did i imagine of popping up while having a conversation class with one of my student..we we’re talking about relationships..he wanted to know how platonic love works, mutual relationships, one-sided love and blah-blah’s…wait ok…to justify our topic e, (mega explain ko muna sa inyo mga kababayan how this topic started in our class..)in the book we’re using, there’s a certain question: how do you define happiness, fulfillment, etc…then, how do you define love? so, platonic, mutual and one-sided bla-blah’s popped out of the blue while we we’re having our discussion..

then, the moment of truth came…i was asking follow-up questions when he suddenly said…"excuse me teacher, can i ask you a question?" i gladly said, "of course!"

now i regret that moment when i said "of course." hehehehe!

why?

here’s the reason…his question goes this way…i will cite how he exactly asked me the question…"you’re 27 teacher, why not yet married?" these are the exact words he uttered..(of course, i still remember it ‘coz his question still clouds my mind..hahahaha!) i remember how i reacted that very moment..silence covered my room while my mouth was shut…my student was smiling not knowing how hard his question to me was..oh, how i wish the bell rung right after he asked that question..but it did not! it was only half past an hour after we started our class..so, i had to answer him..not merely answering him but, to give him a satisfactory answer..or lies? hehehehe…

i thought only questions about numbers make me crazy..i was wrong…never did i foresee that i will be caught in this kind of situation..sitting in front of a foreign student who suddenly asks a question..the hardest question, so far..heeeeee! hhhaaaaaayyyyyy!

unfortunately for him, i just smiled and said, "it’s out of my priorities now..let’s go back to our lesson.." hahahaha! we moved on with our topic..but at the back of my mind, his question lingers..oh, wait…this happened two months ago..and, until now, i haven’t found the answer yet…but i guess, when i said to him that, "it’s not my priority" i meant it..

is it my choice to be single at this age? or is it my destiny? wait, what does destiny mean anyway? anyone….? i don’t really know..but, as i live everyday of my life, i enjoy being this way..is it my way of pretending or a self denial? i don’t know too..what i’m sure of is that, i enjoy talking, joking around about being single…and i love having conversations with friends and acquaintances who want to share their love stories be it a sad story or a happy one..and, m happy knowing thta my friends are madly in love..but, if they ask me, i just smile..or laugh! hahahahahaha!

whenever i get the chance to meet friends, we always joke about matters of the heart..one friend of mine makes it a point that, everytime we meet, asking about my lovelife is a side dish or an appetizer..hahaha! then, i also have a friend whom i enjoy having a laugh with when we talk about "love!" hehehehe…

why am i not yet married? how i wish i can really answer this question easily…

oh, and by the way…before he went back to Korea, he, without effort left me this statement…"teacher, please e-mail me if you are getting married or have a boyfriend.." as a reply, i said "yes! but, what would you do if that moment comes?" he said, " i will visit the Philippines again teacher.."

i just smiled and wished him the best of everything in his life…the first day i met him in my class, he was very shy and afraid to talk…i’m glad that, having class with him for two months gave him the confidence that we (esl teachers) aim to all our students…

he’s very much in love with his girlfriend and i really hope they end up together…that they will have a happy life as what he wishes me to be…