leah’s heart…

it’s so funny that whenever i get the chance to write on my blog..i always have the same thing in mind..the sadness within for losing my dad…

it’s been three years since i had that saddest part of my life…also, my family’s life..the 4th of October started the moment of waking up in the morning without my dad around..playing cards were just placed in a “dunno” place in the house…no cigarette smoke to irritate my nose..hahaha! and nobody’s there to call me, “balasang ko.”

it has been three years of yearning…everyday was just like a wind passing by..we don’t see it but i feel it hard in my heart…

i’ve watched many real-life stories about losing a love one…i’ve read stories of families who share the same fate…but, never did it occur to me that, i would be one of them…now, i feel more for them..i feel more for myself and for my family..it was not just a medical outreach that after a week i see daddy back at home..it was not just a graveyard shift that i only see my dad lying in bed in the morning after a night shift from work…it’s a lifetime longing..

almost a year ago, i’ve dreamt of daddy..i wrote that in my diary…the last part of that dream is still vivid in my mind..i was asking my dad to go home while tears kept falling from my eyes..then he just uttered, “i can’t!” it felt so real..i woke up only to realize that it was just a dream..i cried so hard..my pillow got wet from my weeping..i blankly set my eyes on the ceiling..i can’t stop crying..i was gasping for my breath..i thought, i’ve spent all my tears for my dad but i was wrong…i can never stop crying for my dad…that was one of the longest cries i’ve had since my dad left…

i’ve made promises to myself like, i won’t cry anymore because my dad wouldn’t be happy to see me cry…i won’t think of the sad memory anymore..but, i never kept that promise..i always did cry for him..i always remember him…memories still linger…

the question on, “how much i miss my dad,” is not an easy one to answer..not as easy as pie nor a cinch..it’s an unbearable one…

a friend of mine also lost her father..i know how she feels..she also knows how i feel..sometimes, we text each other and we talk about our dads…it’s our way of remembering our dads in our humblest way..funny thing though, we suddenly stop sending text for a while..after that, one says, “i cried.” it’s inevitable…now, much as i can, i avoid watching shows with families involved…i’m now anti-drama..hahaha! i used to watch real-life stories..now, i’d rather lock myself in my room and listen to music…and, hhhmmm..do some errands…”mababaw ang luha ko,” as what they say in Tagalog..yup, i easily cry..

crying will always be my scapegoat…

i feel serene whenever i cry my heart out…

i miss my dad…

i know he misses us too…